i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
