He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
