that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
