i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
