I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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