Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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