Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
