I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
