You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
there is glitter all over my balls
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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