There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
