Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's blow job season.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
