just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
