i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
