I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
