Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
