Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
