found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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