Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
