I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
