dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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