Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
