We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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