i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
