dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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