I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
PANTIES FOUND
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