Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
