Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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