He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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