Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You smell like stripper and shame
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
