we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
