hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
