If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
