So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
