Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
