I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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