mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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