youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
