ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
