I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
