guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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