I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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