I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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