my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
