We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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