everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
