I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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