Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
