I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
