Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
