I think my fart just growled at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
