You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
