I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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