Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pants are for mortals
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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