I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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