remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
