genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
