Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
