so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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