I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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